


Fly Us Out Of Here

by prismsakura



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Abusive Parents, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Child Abuse, Domestic Violence, Gen, cursing, deceit is ethan in this btw, roman has a crush on deceit towards the end, rushed so the ending sucks really bad, sanders sides reverse bang, though it's kinda mild, ts reverse bang, virgil is roman and remus' cousin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-29
Updated: 2020-04-29
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:21:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23914483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prismsakura/pseuds/prismsakura
Summary: Remus tries to fight through the challenges of their childhood leading up to college. All they have to accompany them is their brother Roman and his cousin Virgil, who lost his parents.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders & Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders & Deceit Sanders
Comments: 3
Kudos: 42





	Fly Us Out Of Here

**Author's Note:**

> This is my entry for the 2020 Sanders Sides Reverse Bang! I was paired to @bee-nice-to-bees, check them out! I might've strayed a but from the prompt and this is incredibly bad because I ran out of time but hey, at least it's something.

“What do you  _ mean  _ you don’t like me?”

“I just  _ don’t, _ ” Remus said helplessly. Their fingers played with the hem of their dress.

“But I’m a boy, and you’re a girl! We’re close friends, we should have feelings for each other! We’re supposed to be boyfriend and girlfriend!” 

Remus flinched, not liking the sound of that at  _ all. _ Panic bubbled in them, growing into frenzied anger. 

“Well I don’t like you that way, okay!?” Remus yelled. “Stop shouting at me!” 

“You deserve it!” the boy cried back. “You’re  _ supposed  _ to like me! What kind of person doesn’t have a crush on people?”

“I can have crushes!” Remus argued, hoping it was true. “Just not on  _ you,  _ you  _ jerk! _ ” 

“Hey, what’s going on here?” a teacher demanded, walking over to the bickering children. 

“Amanda’s being mean to me!” the boy claimed. "She called me a  _ jerk _ !"

The teacher's head turned suddenly to Remus, their eyes squinted accusingly, though they held no real malice. "Is that true, Amanda?"

"He  _ is  _ a jerk!" Remus wailed. 

"Hey now," the teacher said, putting a hand on each child. "I'm sure that whatever you're fighting about, it's not that important."

_ But it is,  _ Remus wanted to say. Adults never seemed to take kids of their age seriously. Why was that? They thought and felt like any adult! It frustrated them that people didn't realize that. 

"So I want you two to apologize to each other, okay? Make-up."

"Okay," the two kids mumbled, neither happy with the arrangement. Problems don't just magically get fixed after apologies, after all.

"I'm sorry for shouting at you, Amanda," the boy lied, making sure not to state the actual reason for quarrelling.

"I'm sorry for calling you a jerk, Ramsey," Remus lied right back.

"Good." The teacher patted the students' heads, satisfactory with their job (not) well done. "Now don't kick up a fuss anymore, alright?"

The teacher sauntered away, leaving the two 2nd-graders to glare at each other. 

Remus huffed angrily and stomped away. It was the start of the year, and already he’s lost a friend. Feeling tears prick at his eyes, he hurried further away, determined not to let anyone see. 

Remus came upon an empty bathroom, and proceeded to lock himself in one of the stalls. Many things about the conversation upset him, some of which he didn’t even realize yet. 

Paralyzed by his emotions, he could do nothing but cry and cry, until long after the bell rang. 

~

Remus slunk into the house, scanning the living room. Their father was watching the television, which was airing some sort of comedy show. Their brother was probably already upstairs in their bedroom, playing a video game.

“I’m home,” Remus said, moving to the staircase. 

Her father didn’t respond, just snorted in indifferent acknowledgement. Not at all surprised, Remus simply sighed and headed up. 

They opened the door to their room. Sure enough, their twin was busy with his gameboy. Seeing him so focused made Remus form a devious plan in their mind, and Remus grinned mischievously. 

Tiptoeing carefully, Remus snuck up behind their brother. Looking over his shoulder, they could see that he was battling a Pokemon gym leader. Giovanni, so it seemed. 

Rhydon launched at Jolteon, and Remus took it as their cue to attack.

“HI ROMAN!” Remus yelled, tackling their brother.

Roman yelped loudly as he fell to the ground, losing his grip on the gameboy. Remus followed him down, tumbling with him as they hit the (thankfully) carpeted floor. They giggled as Roman groaned, and then wheezed as the weight of his twin squeezed the air out of his lungs.

“Amandaaaaa.” Roman coughed. “Get off, you  _ know  _ I have a cold.” 

“Yeah, and because of that I didn’t have anyone to hang out with today!” Remus replied snobbily. “So no, I’m not getting off.” 

“Don’t you have a friend at school?” Roman asked, desperately trying to wiggle out. “Your, uh, boyfriend… what’s his name? Ramsey?” 

Remus was suddenly quiet, which was strange to Roman, as his twin was  _ never  _ quiet. Slowly, he felt the weight on his back retreating, and Roman turned to see Remus finally off his back, cross-legged next to his feet, head bowed. 

“Hey,” Roman said softly, sitting up. “Everything alright?” 

“Ramsey and I had a fight,” Remus murmured. 

“A fight?” Roman moved closer to him. “Why?”

Remus grimaced and turned away. “He… he said that he liked me and that we should be girlfriend and boyfriend… but I said no,” he muttered. “I didn’t want to.” 

Roman’s eyes widened as he took in his twin’s words. He immediately moved to comfort him, wrapping both his arms around Remus’ body. They rested their head on his brother. 

“I’m sorry for calling him your boyfriend.” Roman bumped his head against Remus’ in apology. 

“It’s okay,” Remus mumbled. 

“It’s awful that he said that.” Roman frowned. “Next time I see him at school, I’m going to beat him up!” 

Remus let out a watery laugh. “G-good, you can h-h-help me.”

“No, I’ll do it for you, or you’ll get in trouble,” Roman said. “Again.” 

“Thanks,” Remus said dryly.

“No problem.” 

~

“Kids? Come down please!” 

Roman and Remus ran down the stairs and into the living room, where their parents were waiting. Their mother was standing stiffly with arms crossed, while their father sat on the couch. 

“What is it?” Roman asked. 

“Did someone die?” Remus blurted, immediately receiving an elbow in the stomach from their brother. 

Mr. Rogers glared at him, and Remus felt guilty. They immediately shrunk behind their twin. 

“We received a call,” Mrs. Rogers said, her voice more tense.

“From who?" Roman inquired.

“Don't interrupt," the father snapped. 

Roman flinched, and bowed his head. "Sorry,” he muttered.

"The call was from the hospital," their mother continued. "Apparently…" she took a deep, shaky breath. "Your aunt and uncle were in a car accident. They didn't survive."

The twins eyes' widened. 

"Oh," Remus whispered. "That's sad."

Mr. Rogers snorted. He muttered something in a condescending tone, but no one paid any attention.

"It is," Mrs. Rogers agreed. “But, thankfully, their son survived.” 

“Their son?” Roman said. “Ve-Veer-Vay-V…” 

“Virgil,” their mother corrected, and the corners of his lips turned upwards ever so slightly. “And since he has no parents anymore, it is understood that he’d be handed over to the nearest biological family member, which happens to be me.”

“So he’s staying with us?” Remus excitedly bounced a little, all previous thoughts of death and general sadness now temporarily gone from his mind. The thought of a new playmate excited him. Who could blame him, he was eight.

“That’s right.”

“Seems like more trouble to me,” Mr. Rogers cut in gruffly. “Can’t we give it away to the grandparents?”

“You  _ know _ Ma and Pa can’t take care of a child now,” Mrs. Rogers responded briskly. 

"When do we meet him?" Roman asked. 

"Soon," Mrs. Rogers promised, reaching forward to ruffle her children's hair. "After everything is… taken care of."

The twins nodded understandably. 

" _ Another _ child," Mr. Rogers said lowly, but loud enough for everyone to hear. "God help us."

~

Roman and Remus stared down at the small, round face in the crib before them, filled with fear and wonder. Long brown hair covered half of the toddler’s face. His onesie was covered with small spiders, which Remus  _ knew _ gave Roman the heebie jeebies, and they reveled in it. 

“Hiya Virgil,” Roman said softly, reaching out a hand. 

Virgil stared at the outstretched palm, and shrunk back, burying his face in the raccoon plushie he was holding. 

“I guess he’s shy,” Remus murmured. 

“Ah, he’ll probably come around soon enough,” their mother reassured.

Virgil then yawned, causing the twins to aww loudly. Mrs. Rogers quickly shushed them, chuckling, and ruffled their heads. “Look like Virgey’s sleepy now. We better leave him alone.”

“Aw, but he’s so cute. Can’t we stay and watch him?” Roman implored, pulling at his mother’s hand.

“Yeah, what if he gets kidnapped?” Remus gasped and widened their eyes in horror. “You can’t let him get kidnapped, Mom!” 

“We won’t let him get kidnapped, Amanda, don’t worry,” Mrs. Rogers said with a smile. “We’ll lock the front door and the windows, so no bad person can get in.” 

“Good.” Remus nodded vigorously to show he approved, and Roman followed suit soon after. 

“Well, I’m heading back to my room for my naptime.” Mrs. Rogers turned to leave the room. 

“Is dad in the room?” Roman asked out of the blue. 

“Yeah, is he? We haven’t saw him,” Remus added.

“It’s  _ seen him _ .”

“Oh really? How do you know?”

“Because I’m smarter than you.”

“No, you’re not-”

“Kids,” the mother cut in gently. She smiled, but Remus noticed it was different, in a way. When their mom smiled it reached the sides of her face, and wrinkles would appear. Now, the smile was small, and Mrs. Rogers’ face remained remotely the same. She looked almost sad. Can you smile when you’re sad? Remus didn’t think it was possible. 

“Daddy’s out working.” Mrs. Rogers said. “You two can stay here and watch over Virgil, but be sure not to bother him, okay?” 

“Okay,” Roman and Remus said in unison.

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

“Great.” Mrs. Rogers reached out to lightly run a hand through Virgil’s hair, and left a kiss on each of the twins’ heads afterward. She then left the room.

Remus and Roman turned back to Virgil. The toddler in question was certainly drifting off to sleep now, leaning on his raccoon plushie for support. Remus moved to pet his head, but their hand was smacked away by Roman.

“Hey!” Remus whispered, trying not to alarm Virgil. 

“Mom said not to disturb him,  _ Amanda _ ,” Roman hissed back. 

“I just wanted to pet him,” Remus grumbled. 

“That means disturbing him!” 

“Okay, okay, fine, I won’t touch him.” Remus rolled their eyes, and trained their attention back on Virgil, who was very close to shutting his eyes. A little bit of drool was starting to drip from his mouth, and Remus gently wiped it away. Virgil awoke a little with the movement, and Remus smiled apologetically. 

“Ew.” Roman eyed the saliva on Remus’ finger with disgust. 

Remus looked at their finger, then at their brother, then moved his hand closer to Roman with a grin. 

“Noooo, don’t!” Roman wailed and stormed out of the room. “If you’re going to do that, then I’m not staying!”

Remus cackled, and wiped the drool on their shirt. They turned to Virgil’s crib, and saw that the toddler was already fast asleep, the grip on his raccoon loosening. Remus looked to the windows. They’re locked, so it should be okay.

Remus crept to the door, making sure that they didn't make too much noise. They touched the doorknob and checked on Virgil one more time; he seemed to be comfortable, and sleeping peacefully. Remus grinned and closed the door behind them.

_ Bang! _ Remus yanked on the knob too hard, and the door slammed close with a boom that made them flinch. The wailing of a baby was heard soon after. Remus sighed.

~

Remus dragged their feet through the front door of the house, their body heavy from the mental drain. The bruises didn't ache anymore, but Remus still hissed whenever they bumped against something, like their bag or the small table near the door. They kept banging into things as they made their way to the stairs, bothering some ornamental plates and figurines. They couldn’t help it; they were incredibly tired, and unfocused.

Their father, unfortunately, seemed to hear all the rattling and banging from the couch where he was seated. He called out.

“What’s going on over there?” His slurred, gruff voice made Remus flinch. They noticed now, that there was a stench of alcohol in the air, which Remus wrinkled their nose at. 

“Can’t you keep it down?”

“M’sorry, dad,” Remus said, trying to make it to the stairs as fast as possible.

“God, Amanda, can you not cause a goddamn ruckus for once? You’re thirteen, stop acting so clumsy and be more like a lady.” 

Remus squirmed a little. They weren’t sure why. Their dad was just correcting him, that’s all. 

“Okay,” they responded. 

Remus was tempted to run up the staircase then and there. 

Entering their room, Remus’ attention was immediately drawn to the figure on the third bed, which was set against the wall opposite to their and his brother’s. The figure had a blanket drawn around their shoulders, and seemed to be reading a book. Remus sighed in relief. At least he wasn’t alone.

“Hey Virgil,” Remus greeted their baby cousin.

“Hi.” Virgil didn’t turn around, and instead flipped to the next page.

Remus frowned and put down his bag. They made their way to Virgil, jumped on the bed (wincing at the pain that entered their knee) and peeked over his back. Remus noticed Virgil twirling a pencil as he read the book. “Whatcha reading? Is it p–” they snickered, then stopped.  _ Nope,  _ they reminded themself.  _ He’s five, don’t do that. _

“Book.”

“Mhm, yeah I can see that.” Remus observed the page. They recognized the book as  _ Where the Wild Things Are,  _ which had been missing for a while. Remus had assumed Roman destroyed it or something, considering how much the book creeped him out. “Oh nice. You found it.”

“Hiding it.”

“Really? Where?”

Virgil reached down the side of the mattress and dug his hand under it. “Here.”

“Why?”

“It’s mine.” 

“No, it’s everyone’s.” Remus reached out his hand to ruffle with Virgil’s hair playfully, but immediately retracted when Virgil flinched at the contact. “Mom got that for all of us, remember?” 

Virgil nodded. 

Remus moved to Virgil’s side to get a better view of his face, but the kid turned away quickly. Remus did notice, however, a purple-and-red flash.

“Hey hey hey, what the heck is this?” Remus gently took Virgil’s chin and maneuvered his face towards theirs. As Remus saw it, their eyes widened. “Holy shit.”

A bruise left by a large, heavy hand was imprinted on Virgil’s face. Purple highlighted the edges of the fingers, making it seem like a hand impression in clay. It…  _ disturbed _ them. Which was strange, as Remus loved the genre of horror and revelled in gore regularly. But seeing it now, on Virgil, filled them with a sense of rage and affection that they didn’t feel very often. Yes, Remus did have a brother, but as far as they were concerned, Roman didn’t need much protecting. 

“Who did this?” Remus asked, eyes filled with worry. 

Virgil glared at the page. “Him.”

“The Wild Thing?” 

Virgil shook his head furiously. “ _ Him. _ ” 

Remus didn’t notice themself closing his fist. “Dad?” they whispered through clenched teeth. 

“Yes.” Virgil gulped. His lip was trembling. “He’s scary.”

Remus sucked in a breath. “Why?” they asked. “Why did he–?”

Virgil shook his head again, and grabbed a pillow resting against the wall. “No,” he said, clutching it tightly. “No, no, no. Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad.” 

“It’s okay!” Remus pushed down the anger to let the care take over. “It’s fine, I won’t judge. I like bad things!”

Virgil stared at Remus with watery eyes. 

“I won’t judge, and I’m sure it’s not that bad,” Remus said. 

Virgil put down the pillow and nodded. He then lifted the bedsheet and dragged a piece of purple cloth out of it, and stretched it out for Remus to see.

“A skirt?” Floral patterns in a darker color were embellished onto it. It was clearly adult-sized. “This is mom’s,” Remus realized. 

Virgil hummed in affirmation. “It’s pretty.”

“It is,” Remus agreed, “but why did Dad get mad at you over taking it?” 

“He…” Virgil pursed his lips and clutched the skirt tighter. “He saw me…”

“Wearing it?” 

Virgil sniffled. “He doesn’t like it.” 

Remus took the skirt from Virgil, who had tears rolling down his face now. 

“Upset?” Virgil whimpered. 

“No!” Remus stressed. “Of course not, why would I be upset over a skirt? That’s dumb. Dad’s dumb.”

Virgil flinched. “Dumb?” 

Remus smiled down at him, turning his previous anger into furious rebellion. “Yeah! He’s dumb!” 

“Dumb.” The tears on Virgil’s face stopped pouring as he slowly grinned. “Dumb!”

“That’s right!” Remus stood on the bed and whooped. “Fuck him! Who cares if you wore a skirt? Skirts are awesome!” 

“Fuck him!” Virgil bounced joyously. Remus panicked and covered his mouth.

“But–but don’t tell him that okay?” Remus said, crouching down. “He’ll get mad again.”

The smile on Virgil disappeared. “Oh,” he muttered, destitute. “Right. No fuck.” 

“No fuck,” Remus affirmed. “Just hate him silently.”

Seeing the crestfallen look on their cousin’s face, Remus quickly followed up. “Tell you what,” they said, “I’ll let you wear anything you like around me, ok? Just keep it in here.”

“Skirt?” Virgil asked.

“Skirt, dress, just your panties, it’s cool!” 

The beam reappeared once again on Virgil’s face, and Remus returned it.

Suddenly, Virgil’s eyes trail to a dark splotch on Remus’ knee. He realized it looks similar to the new mark on his cheek.

“Hurt,” he pointed out, his finger drifting to the bruise. He furrowed his eyebrows worrily. 

“Oh. Yeah.” Remus slowly shifts into a kneeling position, once again cringing as the bruise presses against the bed. “I, uh, got into a fight.”

“Again?” 

“Pfft, yeah, and I got detention again, but it’s no big deal.” Remus waved a hand. “Wanna hear about it?” 

Virgil shook his head. “No,” he mumbled. “Fighting is bad.” 

“Alright.” Remus got off the bed, and picked up their bag. “I’m gonna take a bath, I smell like shit.” 

“Yes,” Virgil agreed. 

“Mmkay, thank you for the validation!” Remus said. “See you in a minute.”

“Bye Amanda.” 

Remus forced the smile to remain until they walked into the bathroom.

So that’s what was making them upset. But it was just a name, wasn’t it? 

~

Remus didn’t make any friends anymore. They had the ability to, sure, but the ability would include suppressing their wild energy, the thoughts they shared without any restraint. They didn’t feel like hiding any part of themself, and that scared away many people. Remus was starting to think that it was scaring their siblings too. 

So when the first day of seventh grade came, Remus took a seat at the cafeteria expecting to eat alone. Just them and their macaroni. 

And when someone took a seat on the other side of his table, they flinched. 

The kid had dark skin, except for light splotches on the right side of his face from where Remus was sitting. He carried a tray, also with a bowl of macaroni, but a notebook accompanied it, a pencil kept in its spiral. Remus had never seen him before, and assumed he was new. 

“Hi,” the boy greeted.

“...hi.” Remus stared at him with quiet awe and confusion. “Why do you have weird skin?” 

“Ah,” the boy said, awkwardly. He shrugged. “I’ve always had it. Never really questioned it.” 

“It looks cool.” 

Now it was the kid’s turn to look surprised. “Really?” 

“Yeah.” 

The kid blushed a little. “Thank you, nobody has ever said that to me.” He extended his hand. “I’m Ethan.”

Remus took it. “I’m Amanda.”

“Nice to meet you.” Ethan opened his notebook. 

“Why are you sitting with me?” Remus asked. “Don’t you already have friends?”

“No, no one wanted to talk with me.” He waved a hand over his face. “Probably because of this. A lot of people don’t like it as much as you.”

“But why me specifically?”

“Well, you were alone for one.” Ethan began writing something. “So I figured you were estranged and would like some company.”

“ _ Estranged.  _ Fancy,” Remus joked. "What are you, a mind reader or something?” 

“Sure.” Ethan grinned. “I’ve been told I’m very good at reading people. Some say it’s creepy.” 

“Cool.” Remus gestured with their fork towards the notebook. “What’s that for?”

“Random things. It’s more of a journal. I write my thoughts, my poems and stories…”

“My brother likes writing too,” Remus said, stabbing some mac. “But he draws more. I’ve asked him to draw me gutting him once but he refused.” 

“That’s too bad. Where is he now?” Ethan asked, unfazed. 

Remus blinked, then beamed. 

“Playing basketball with some random guys,” they replied. “He’s such a jock.” 

Ethan chuckled. “Do you like sports?” 

“I’d prefer to do other things.” 

“Say…” Ethan paused to scoop up some macaroni. “Would you like to come over to my house after school? It’s only a block away from here. If you can.”

“Yeah, I commute anyway, so I can come.”

“Great! I’m working on a novel and I could use some feedback.” Ethan flipped to a page in his notebook and showed it to Remus. It was covered in ideas, organized as a bullet list.

“Aren’t you too young to be writing a novel?” Remus asked. 

“Dad says you’re never too young to try things out for yourself,” Ethan said. “Also you still have macaroni in your mouth.” 

Remus immediately swallowed. “Alright then, so 3:30?” 

“What’s your last subject?”

“History,” Remus groaned. “Hate that class.”

“Math’s my least favorite, and it’s also my last subject. Wanna skip?”

Remus tilted their head. “Won’t your parents get mad at you?” 

“We’ll just hang out at the ice cream parlor across the street. I have some money.”

“I do too.” Remus smiled. “You know Ethan, you seem super cool. And I don’t think that about many people.”

“Well, it seems this meeting was worth it.” Ethan smiled back. “See you, Amanda.”

The bell rang, and Remus returned to class with anticipation. 

~

Spiraling into a session of internet browsing probably wasn’t a good idea, but here Remus was, on their Samsung at 11 PM, deep in wikipedia. They didn’t really care; it was the weekend anyway. 

A theatre nearby was putting on a musical: Hedwig and the Angry Inch. Remus vaguely remembers a movie of the same name showing on the TV maybe a few years back, but their mother had changed the channels, saying it was for adults. Remus had pouted, but said no more as  _ The Birds _ came on. 

Now, curious about the musical, Remus had searched it up. They read the summary:

**_Hedwig and the Angry Inch_ ** _ is a _ [ _rock musical_](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rock_musical) _ about a fictional _ [ _rock and roll_](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rock_and_roll) _ band fronted by an _ [ _East German_](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/East_German) [ _transgender_](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transgender) _ singer.  _

_ Transgender?  _ Remus wondered. They’d heard the word before, but had never quite caught its meaning.

They pressed on the link, thinking they would come back to the musical later. 

They would not. 

_ Transgender is the state of one's " _ [ _ gender identity _ ](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gender_identity) _ " (self-identification as woman, man, or neither) not matching one's "assigned sex"  _

Remus blinked, and read it again. 

_ Gender identity… not matching one's "assigned sex" _

Weren’t those the same thing? 

_ "People who were assigned a sex, usually at birth and based on their genitals, but who feel that this is a false or incomplete description of themselves."  _

Remus read the sentence out loud once, quietly. Their eyes trailed across it several times more, the meaning sinking in like a knife. But it felt pleasant, somehow, like how the sinking of the blade into soft objects was satisfying. 

Realization seeped into Remus’s mind as they connected the dots. “Amanda” always rubbed them the wrong way, and whenever someone called them a lady, or a girl, or said how the dress they were wearing suited them… well, they couldn’t quite describe it, but it always settled Remus with a feeling of unease that they ignored so often. Wearing dresses, excessive amounts of makeup during events, being grouped with girls at school and in the restroom, all made them feel like they were  _ wrong.  _ That something wasn’t right. 

But this word, “transgender,” it felt right. 

“So…” Remus said, “I’m a guy?” 

But the sentence that fell from their lips still left a strange taste in their mouth, the shapes their lips had formed feeling forced somehow. It still wasn’t what they were looking for. 

Remus scrolled down further, hoping to find something else that would catch their eye, looking for explanations and deeper meanings. They passed different sections, each with a lengthy paragraph of their own, that they skimmed quickly before moving on. Remus couldn’t bother reading that much late at night. 

###  **_Genderqueer_ **

[ _ Genderqueer _ ](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Genderqueer) _ is a recent attempt to signify gender experiences that do not fit into binary concepts, and refers to a combination of gender identities and sexual orientations. One example could be a person whose gender presentation is sometimes perceived as male, sometimes female, but whose gender identity is female, gender expression is butch, and sexual orientation is lesbian. It suggests nonconformity or mixing of gender stereotypes, conjoining both gender and sexuality, _ [ _ [45] _ ](https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Transgender&oldid=320895239#cite_note-45) _ and challenges existing constructions and identities. _ [ _ [46] _ ](https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Transgender&oldid=320895239#cite_note-46) _ Genderqueerness is unintelligible and abjected in the binary sex/gender system. _ [ _ [47] _ ](https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Transgender&oldid=320895239#cite_note-ftmborderlands-47)

Not… binary? 

They tapped on the link, and scoured the wikipedia page they were directed to. 

_ People who identify as genderqueer may think of themselves as being both man and woman, as being neither man nor woman, or as falling completely outside the _ [ _gender binary_](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gender_binary) _. _

“Ho. Ly.” Remus’s eyes widened and they sucked in a breath, before releasing a final “Shit!” 

“Amanda?” Roman’s drowsy voice drifted from his bed next to theirs. “Are you still awake?”

“...no,” was their quiet reply.

“Go to sleep alreadyyy. Do you want to be stunted when you grow up?” 

“I’m doing something important,” Remus hissed. 

“No you’re not. You’re on your phone. Go to sleep or I’ll tell mom and dad.”

“You’re too tired. And you probably just had a wet dream. What if I tell them that?”

“ _ No, _ I didn’t. Don’t try me.” 

“Pft, alright. I’ll definitely go to sleep now.”

“You better. Or I’m gonna punch you.” 

“What, with your weak-ass arms?”

“Who’s the basketball player again?” 

“Shut up and go to sleep or  _ I’ll _ tell mom and dad.”

“You first.” Roman’s voice began to slur again, and his sibling could tell he was drifting off. 

“Okie-dokie, I’ll sleep now,” they said with a grin. 

“You better.”

They turned down the brightness on their phone and continued reading, the smile on their face remaining as they scanned the page, reading as many sources as they could before officially tiring themselves out. As the sun peeked through the curtains, they finally closed their eyes with new knowledge that they held close to their heart. 

~

Remus fingered the short locks of their hair, marveling at the relief of it not spilling over their shoulders. Ever since deciding to get a pixie cut, they had saved a bit of their allowance every week to get one at the barber. Now, as they walked home from school, they wondered if their parents would react much. Probably not. It was just a haircut, after all. 

Of course, there was always a high chance their father would overreact, but… they didn’t want to think much about that. 

However, as they stepped over the threshold of the house, the smell of whisky hit Remus, and all hope seeped from their person and dissipated instantly. 

Mr. Rogers was on the couch, a bottle in his hand, muttering incoherently at the game on the television. His form seemed undefined, as if he was sinking into the couch. Remus stiffened at the sight. They knew this state; their father was unrestricted. He was unafraid to do anything now. It was at this state that he was most dangerous. 

Not even bothering to announce their arrival, Remus quickly moved to the staircase, but it was no use. They were heard. 

“I didn’t hear you when you came in, Amanda.”

Remus flinched. They didn’t answer. 

The couch creaked as the father got up sluggishly and turned to Remus. “What happened to your hair?”

“I cut it,” they mumbled. They didn’t look at their father. 

“Cut it? What the hell for?” 

“I…” Remus faltered, thinking of an explanation desperately. “I just–”

“You a fucking faggot?” the father growls, moving closer, and Remus flinches again.

“N-no. I just felt like it.” 

“Like hell you did.” He was right next to them now, the bottle still in his hand. Remus eyed it anxiously. 

“So, you a tranny now?” he barked. “One of those disgusting queers?” 

“I’m  _ not.  _ It’s not a big deal.” It was always easy for Remus to lie. They’ve been doing it their entire life. They’ve done it to seem like a good girl, to make everything seem alright, to seem mature and strong. And now, they were doing it to hide the tears building up, to save their life. 

“You talking back to me?” A large hand grabbed the back of Remus’s head and pulled hard at it. A yelp escaped their lips, but they quickly bit it back as they clawed at the fingers digging into their skull. “Huh?!” 

“No, no, I’m sorry!” Remus hissed in pain, and yanked their head away from their father’s hands with a yell. Adrenaline rushing through them and pain throbbing at the back of their head, they scrambled up the stairs, the incoherent screams of their father ringing in their ears. 

They entered their room and slammed the door, the tears finally letting loose, as they sobbed and sobbed, all the fear and frustration leaking out in small sobs. They sank to the ground. 

“Amanda? Is that you?” 

Remus looked up to see Roman and Virgil staring down at them tentatively. They noticed that Virgil’s nose and eyes were red, and his face was wet, and Remus assumed he had been crying too. 

“Woah, what happened to your hair?” 

“I–I–” They couldn’t finish the sentence, words struggling to form as they struggled to breathe. 

“Okay, Amanda breathe.” Roman crouched beside her, much like he had done when they were younger. “I heard shouting, did Dad get mad at you?” 

“Yeah.” Remus touched the back of their head, where a little sweat remained. “H-he didn’t like that I cut my hair.” 

Roman slowly put an arm around them. It’s been a while since he’d comforted his sibling. “Hey, it’s okay.” 

The tears were slowing down now. Remus looked back up at Virgil. “Why– _ hic– _ why were you crying?” 

Virgil was pulling the hem of his shirt fiercely. “Mommy,” he muttered. “Gone, gone, gone.” 

“Gone?” Remus shot up, panicked. “What do you mean gone?” 

“Mom and Dad got into a fight.” Roman stood up and hugged himself, as if he was trying to keep it together deep down. “That’s why Dad’s been drinking a lot, and we’ve been staying out of his way. Mom ran out after he hit her. We don’t know where she went.”

“W-we should find her.” Remus began walking to the window. “Maybe we can sneak out, then we can find her–” 

“Amanda, no,” Roman grabbed their shoulder. “We can’t risk it.”

“Please, we need her back!” They shoved off Roman and started to unlock the window. “Who knows what’s happened to her?” 

“Who knows what will happen to  _ us?  _ We could get caught, Amanda! We could get hurt. We don’t know where Mom went, and it could take forever to find her!” 

Remus’s finger went still. Their hands moved back to their sides, arms going slack. Slowly, they walked to their bed and sat down. 

“You’re right,” they muttered. “Dammit, you’re right.” 

“Amanda,” Roman sat on the opposite side of the bed, and Virgil followed him. “It’s going to be okay. Mom will come back, maybe she’ll kick Dad out and we’ll be fine.”

“Will we be fine?”

“We have been so far.”

“No.” Virgil shook his head. 

Remus let themself take a few shaky breaths. They could still hear their father downstairs. Everything felt so, so heavy. 

“No,” Remus agreed. “No, we haven’t been fine.”

~

Remus never liked cloudy days. The day became dark, and it didn’t even rain, giving the clouds no reason to be there. 

Now, there was another reason to add: it had been cloudy on the day of their mothers’ funeral. 

Remus saw many faces that day, some slightly more familiar than others. But they all uttered the same things.

_ I’m sorry for your loss.  _

_ Did it hurt when you found out? _

_ It was a car, wasn’t it? _

And Remus heard many more, comments that they were not supposed to hear. 

_ I doubt it was an accident. _

_ With that monster husband of hers, I wouldn’t be surprised.  _

_ Those poor children, how will they survive? _

Roman responded to the questions. Remus didn’t want to answer them anyway, so they were glad they didn’t have to. Virgil had simply clung onto them the whole time. 

Remus felt many things, and nothing. Emotions raged, but were buried by helplessness as the coffin was lowered into the ground.

When it was over, they left immediately. Roman, Remus and Virgil were dropped off at their home. Their father mentioned some business he had to attend to, and drove off. 

The three children stood silently in the living room for a moment. Still processing, still recovering, still wondering. 

“Do you want to get a snack?” Roman asked. 

“No.” 

“Yes.” Virgil nodded. 

“Okay then, I’ll cook some ramen. ‘M pretty sure there’s still some in the pantry.” Roman walked over to the kitchen and started preparing. 

Remus took a seat on the armchair while Virgil lay down on the couch. Remus grabbed the remote and turned on the television.

A few minutes later, Roman approached with two bowls of instant ramen. “This is like a funeral buffet,” he joked. 

Remus furrowed his eyebrows. “What a casual mood you’re in.” 

Roman swirled the noodles around. “I’m just trying to keep up the mood.”

“Our mom died, Roman,” Remus pointed out, deadpan. “I’m very impressed at the weight you’re carrying, acting like everything is okay and making ramen and shit.”

“I’m trying to recover,” Roman muttered. “Can’t I just relax after the day I’ve–we’ve had?”

“Gee, I dunno, Ro,” Remus mused mockingly. “Can you relax after the funeral of the only person in our life who loved us?” 

“I know you’re deeply affected by this–”

“Oh fuck, am I?” Remus sarcastically interrupted. 

“But I would rather not think about it, okay?” Roman tapped his fork against the bowl lightly. “Of course I’m upset, of  _ course  _ I’m dreading whatever shit the universe is going to throw at us, especially when we have to live with our shitty father and no one else. So  _ please,  _ Amanda _. _ ” He scooped up a forkful of noodles. “I would appreciate it if I were left to ignore all my thoughts. Pretending to be okay can be calming sometimes.”

Remus stared at the movie playing on the television. They chuckled briefly. “At least you had a vent,” they conceded. 

Remus ran a hand through their hair. “I’m sorry I lashed out,” they said. “I understand that people wouldn’t want to think about fucked-up things. It’s just that, without Mom, there’s no one in the house to protect me from Dad.” 

Roman and Virgil finished their snacks. Remus flipped through the channels, trying to find a decent movie to watch to pass the time. Their father wouldn’t be back for a while, anyway. 

“Amanda.”

Remus turned to look at Roman. Virgil’s head was on his lap, falling asleep. Roman was watching the screen carefully.

“We can always protect each other, you know, we don’t necessarily need mom,” he said. “We are siblings.”

“Statement two is correct, statement one is not,” Remus said. “Mom was an adult human shield for us, and now she’s gone. We’re too weak and puny to fight back. You more so.” 

“Do you really have to insult me?”

“Yes. I haven’t filled the quota for today.” 

Roman sighed. 

There was another beat before Remus continued, “But seeing as we are siblings, we’ll just continue, like, supporting each other I guess.” 

Roman smiled weakly. “We’ve got no choice.” 

“Shut up, you love me.” Remus threw a leg over the arm of the chair. “You’ve just been avoiding me because I’m a weirdo and you’re the popular jock.” 

“Doesn’t mean I particularly enjoy it,” Roman said, putting a pillow under Virgil’s head. 

“Don’t you?” 

“I mean, sports is fun. Picking on other kids is not.” Roman winced at the television. “Can you change the channel? I don’t like this movie.”

“I like it.”

“Fine, whatever.” Roman turned to Remus instead, away from the screen. “Anyways, then there was you, sitting alone and not being liked by  _ anyone. _ ” 

“I have a friend, you know.”

Roman blinked. “You do?”

“Yeah.”

“See, we don’t even hang out at school anymore,” Roman whined. “I didn’t even know you had a new friend.” 

“It’s not your fault,” Remus said, feeling a bit awkward as it was their turn to comfort their sibling. 

“But here’s the thing.” Roman paused, and took a deep breath. “If I hung out with you, I would lose the respect from my clique. If I had gone into the theatre club instead of sports, I would not have this much popularity!” He gestured a little exaggeratedly. 

“You want to go into theatre?” Remus asked, surprised. 

“I did, but some other guys approached me and said I looked like someone they could use on their team, so I accepted.”

“Wow, wuss.” 

“I am not a wuss,” Roman scoffed indignantly. 

“You couldn’t say no to a bunch of buff dudes? Sounds like a wuss to me.” 

Roman suddenly quieted. His gaze moved to the coffee table in front of him. “Yeah, actually that’s another thing.” 

Remus raised an eyebrow curiously. 

“This is a more recent discovery of mine, I guess,” Roman said. “I thought those jocks looked good and, er,  _ attractive,  _ per se, so… I think I’m into guys?”

Remus’ eyes widened. “Oh my god.”

Roman looked worried at the tone. “Are you mad?”

“ _ Mad? _ No, I’m fucking ecsatic!” Remus hissed, shifting to a crouch on the chair. “Bitch, that’s so relieving, you’re also LGBT!” 

“You like girls?” Roman blurted out, a sudden smile appearing on his face. 

Remus halted. They flopped their butt back onto the chair. “Ah,” they intoned. “Actually, it’s different. Much different.”

“Eh?”

Remus pursed their lips. “I mean, I’ve never liked anyone before so it’s not that, it’s just, uhh, I don’t think I’m a girl. Or a guy. I’m… just a person.” 

“Oh, that’s a thing?” Roman said. 

“I mean, yeah. Not she, not he, just they.” 

“Wow. Kinda weird. But awesome,” Roman said, seeming sort of awed in a way. “So your name isn’t Amanda anymore?” 

“Nope.” Remus draped their body across the chair. “I dunno what name I should go with, but I’m considering taking Remus.” 

Roman grinned. “Like in the myths. Romulus and Remus.” 

“Yeah, the ones raised by the wolf,” Remus confirmed, grinning back. “Remus is the one that kills his brother and takes over Rome.”

“Uh, I am pretty sure Romulus is the one–”

“No he wasn’t, shut up.” 

“Heyyy.”

Remus chuckles. They sigh, and reach out their hand.

“Hey Roman,” they said, and stuck out their middle finger. “Wanna make a pact?”

“What kinda pact?” Roman asked, wrapping his own middle finger around Remus’.

“From this day on,” Remus declared, “we promise to be the most sibling as siblings can be, and not estrange each other again so that we may have  _ some  _ semblance of moral support, what with our shitty father.” 

“And when we grow older, we’ll bust out of here?” Roman inquired.

“Of course. And we’ll both take care of Virgil, and bring him along when that day comes.” 

Roman and Remus shook their interlocked fingers to seal the deal.

“Hell yeah,” Remus said, removing his finger. “It is done then. Could have used some blood, but this is good enough.”

“Blood?” murmured a sleepy Virgil, awakening. 

“Nope, no blood here.” Roman quickly soothed Virgil. Roman shot a glare at Remus. “I now regret making that pact.” 

“Why is that so, Roman?” Remus’ eyes were filled with fake innocence. 

“You’re gonna be a bad influence on him,” Roman claimed. 

“Great! We can take over the world and leave you to die.” 

“Oh, betrayal from my own sister–er, sibling,” Roman corrected himself. “How surprising.” 

Remus smiles, wide and sincere. A warm feeling of security, something they haven’t experienced in a long while, fills their chest. They knew it would disappear soon, but it didn’t matter. Right now, the scene of just the three of them, Roman who understood them, Virgil napping peacefully, made Remus glad. At that moment, they believed everything was going to be alright. 

~

“Is it really running away if it’s obligatory though?”

“Well,” Ethan said, “if you had to hide the college we’re going to, your luggage and the invitation mail in secret, it is kind of running away into the night.” 

Virgil nodded. 

“Okay then.” Roman closed the trolley bag with a  _ zip!  _ “So, at the stroke of dawn, we are running away!” 

“We sure are,” Remus affirmed, tugging on their bag. 

“Leaving forever,” Virgil added, rocking happily and toying with his skirt. 

“So, I’ll pick you guys up at five?” Ethan asked, making sure. 

“Yep,” Remus said, plopping on the bed. “And when we’re in college, you can pick Roman up at eight, cuz that’s when he’s free–mmph.”

Roman had smacked a hand over his sibling’s mouth, chuckling nervously. “They have no idea what they’re talking about,” he claimed, blushing. 

“Yes I do,” came the muffled reply of Remus. 

“I dunno, I think he does,” Ethan said, smirking. 

Roman’s blush grew, but before he could continue to stare, Remus licked his hand. Roman immediately let out a sound of disgust and wiped his palm onto the mattress.

“You never change,” Roman whined. “We’re eighteen, shouldn’t you have  _ some _ maturity by now?”

“Nope,” Remus answered gleefully. 

Roman turned to Ethan. “How have you dealt with them for the past five years?”

“Honestly?” Ethan sighed amusingly. “I’m not sure.” 

Roman chuckled, to humor him. “Yeah… yeah I hear that.”

Remus rolled their eyes.

“Well, I better get going, my parents probably won’t like that I’ve been out so long.” Ethan walked over to the window and opened it. “I’ll see you in the morning?” 

“Yep, see you, ya snake!” 

“Bye… Eth,” Roman awkwardly bid farewell. 

Ethan gave a smile, and then snuck out the window. The twins and Virgil heard him make his way down onto the roof of the porch, and then drop down. 

“Eth?” Remus repeated, unimpressed. 

“You had a nickname for him,” Roman defended himself.

“Yeah, because I’ve hung out with him for five years. You’ve known him for one.”

Roman sat down next to Remus. Virgil made his way over to them. 

“Did he really have to come with a leather jacket?” he muttered. 

Remus shrugged. “Ethan likes impressing people.”

“Well, it’s working.”

“We get it,” Remus groaned. 

“You’re gay,” Remus and Virgil said in unison. 

Roman nodded sadly. 

“You two can never possibly understand what I’m feeling,” Roman lamented, flopping his whole body on the bed.

“I’m bi,” Virgil said, trying to comfort Roman. 

“Okay, at least you can relate a little.”

“Alright, I’m getting left out.” Remus yanked Roman’s arm. “Get off Virgil’s bed or he’ll go apeshit.”

“I won’t,” Virgil said. 

“Whatever, we have to get to sleep anyway. Big D tomorrow!”

“Day,” Roman grunted, sitting up. 

“Sure, but D can also mean dick.” Remus paused. “Can I make jokes like that around Virgil yet?” 

“I think?” Roman looked at Virgil. “Eleven years should be a good enough time to know about dicks and stuff.” 

“Yeah, great okay.” Remus cleared their throat and stood up. “Anyways, sleepy time.”

“Yep.” Roman got up and moved to his bed, immediately dropping on it. “Sleepy time and then college time.” 

Virgil crawled onto his bed and threw his blanket over himself. “Lights off now.”

Remus did so, and then made their way over to their own bed. They lay down and checked their phone to make sure the alarm was on. 

“G’night guys,” they said. 

“Goodnight,” muttered Roman and Virgil.

“Sweet dreams. But not  _ too _ sweet.”

“Don’t ruin it.” 

~

Remus hoisted Virgil upon their shoulders and grabbed the trolley bag. They looked over to Roman, who was facing the street tentatively. The sky was a shade of periwinkle as the sun started to light it up. The rays touched some of the furniture in the room. 

“Does it feel weird to you?” Roman asked suddenly. “To be leaving here?” 

“Kind of,” Remus admitted. “It is where everything happened.” 

“Good things and bad things.” 

“Bad things,” Virgil murmured into Remus’ shoulder. 

“Yeah, the bad things are why we’re leaving.” 

The cool morning breeze hit them as they stood onto the porch. Remus took a deep breath.

“I know we’ve gone out here since we were babies, but it actually seems… relieving now,” Roman noted. 

“Makes sense, as we’re running away.” Remus looked down the road and grinned. “And there’s our ticket out of here.”

A car was visibly turning the corner and heading down the street. Remus recognized it immediately as Ethan’s.

“I call shotgun,” Roman said quickly. 

“What, and leave me with Virgil?” Remus acted shocked. “Love really hath made thee a fool!”

“Whatever, he’s going to be sleeping anyway, he won’t hear any of the weird crap you spout.” 

“That’s much harsher than your normal insult, Roman. How impressive.” 

The car pulled up in front of the house, and Ethan stepped out.

“Come on guys,” he said, “I’ll help you with your luggage.”

“Thanks. By the way, Roman called shotgun, so you can have fun with him for the road trip.” Remus wiggled their eyebrows, receiving an elbow to the side from Roman.

Ethan smiled. “Cool. Let’s go.”

The family piled into the car, and the smell of the seats and the chill of the aircon overcame Remus. The chattering from up front as Roman tried and failed to flirt with Ethan and the music from the radio slowly lulled Remus to sleep, finally relieved. Finally free. 


End file.
